Fifty Shades of Grey

Twilight: Now with sex, and less plot (if possible)

*Sigh*

*Grabs soap box and stands on it*

IN LIEU OF DOING A SYNOPSIS FOR THIS MOVIE I WILL BE PREACHING, IF YOU WANT A SYNOPSIS SIMPLY REMEMBER WHEN YOUR GIRLFRIEND TOOK YOU TO GO SEE TWILIGHT

So, the abuse of women is okay now? Not simply the abuse of women, but the abuse of any significant other. Let me clarify. I am totally okay with domination or S&M in the bedroom. Nothing wrong with that as long both parties are consenting. Hell, I may or may not have done some of the same in my own bedroom. My problem here lies with the character Christian Grey as whole. He is guilty of doing the same-old, usual abusive boyfriend things. Buying her new expensive things so she is guilted into the relationship, stalking, holding the power over her like a pendulum (outside of the bedroom), having her sign a nondisclosure agreement so she cannot confide in family or friends, possessiveness. Every part of this asshole exudes abuse, and not in the fun way, in the scary way. How do we respond to it? Oh, we (as a society) forgo the obvious signs of abuse, and simply think of it as a sexy book to read. No, people this is wrong. We should be identifying that he has an obvious mental condition that makes him this way (which, to the movies credit, does get covered), and stop thinking that Christian Grey is our ideal guy. Now, I only watched the movie, so I can only comment on what I saw. If the book is any different, please, feel free to shut up, because the movie exists and I am talking about that.

Now.

On with the review.

The story here is basically Twilight people. Edit out the supernatural and replace it with sex, there we have this god awful movie. Plain Jane: A, is attracted to hot, rich guy: B, they get in a relationship: C, and she is totally devoted to him: D. Above will cover some of my main, over lying problems with the story, but let's go a bit deeper. I do like that they gave him a sorted history that made this more of a mental disease, rather than a hot fantasy. The character of Anastasia was almost completely forgettable, which I guess might have been the point somewhere; but, she is forgettable and that is major problem when you are trying to create a franchise (I assume that is what they are going to try and do with this.... because movie). Everything else wrong with this movie can be summed up by thinking about how you would develop a romance, then think of how a child would develop a romance, then think of how a dog might develop a romance. You might see my problem going to see a movie written by a dog, who can't grasp the concept of progression. You are attracted, you like each other, you fuck, End of story, end of my interest in story.

Cinematography is important in a movie, right? Someone mind telling director Sam Taylor-Johnson that, because she seems to have forgotten. Maybe she never knew because she doesn't have that extensive of a resume (nothing wrong with that), but when you are in charge of a major motion picture, it is time to stop making your movies look like straight to TV productions. Get the game to a more professional level please. Stepping away from the director, lets try to find who thought it might be a good idea to put Danny Elfman in charge of this, and start finding them some other work. Elfman is talented, always has been, always will be; not right for the score to this picture in any way, shape, or form.The soundtrack was descent, but why are we putting the most cliche score pieces in at just the right moment. Like overly cliche. Like these same moves were being pulled in the fifties kind of cliche.

Acting is also an important feature in a movie, Which is why I wish they actually would have hired some actors in this picture. Okay that is a bit harsh, Dakota Johnson was fine. Her make up people made her as Plain Jane as they could by not applying any make up to her, just as movies always do; since, apparently all of a woman's beauty is found in her make up. No huge problem with her. Let's talk about the terrible, awful, no good, very bad, thing that is Jamie Dornan. Did someone just find some guy working out in a gym somewhere, and put him in a movie? Does the man know what presence is?  Does the man know what "emote" means? Not saying he needed to show emotions, saying he needed to emote, convey, do something other than stand there without his shirt on and smolder. Was I happy he was shirtless? Yeah. Proud of it? No. Did I still want to push him aside and find an equally attractive actor, that actually had some talent? Fuck yes.

Final Verdict: Don't do it I went into this movie with zero reservations. I knew one thing about this movie. It was about sex. Honestly, I have seen better stories from porn.