Not the best way to start off my 2015 return
Mortdecai follows the exploits of wealthy, Art-mogul Lord Chalie Mortdecai (Johnny Depp). He is at ends with his wife Johanna (Gwyneth Paltrow) over their eight million pound debt in taxes, and is growing desperate. His old college friend (now bitter rival) Inspector Martland (Ewan McGregor) has come to him with a mission, for queen and country, regarding a stolen piece of artwork. Mortdecai comes up with a plan regarding the artwork to pull himself out of debt, and keep this important piece of artwork out of the wrong hands.It is a little bitter sweet that the first movie I come back to review is something that will probably be on many "worst of 2015" lists at year's end. On the one hand, this provides excellent content for my reviews; on the other, I wanted to see a good movie (like all ways). So, what makes this movie so despicably bad? Well, like so many movies with the same production quality as this one, the jokes just didn't register with a major audience. The story felt like it was gargled threw someone's mouth and spit onto a script. The acting varies from the stuff we have seen from these actors before, to "not trying hard enough." Almost every part of this movie fails, but since this is me I need to break it down by parts to explain how each part failed to hit any mark.
The story in this was an absolute mess, and it is a shame that some of the staff present for this debacle had to have their names attached to it. We follow a moron aristocrat that is going through money trouble, and end with that moron aristocrat. At no point was I rooting for any character to win, and that is problem when you are trying to garner sympathy for certain characters. The aristocrat with money trouble? Cry me a river. The overly loyal "man servant?" He gets laid at every turn, and is still treated better than most servants we see in movies (regardless of on job accidents). The controlling wife? Nope. The sad-sack, law-man, with a crush on the wife of our main "protagonist?" Nice try, but if you wanted me to garner sympathy for him you should have made him more sad, and less conniving. Almost every character displayed here seems hollow, and uninspired. Even if the characters could have been saved, the story itself was a mess. No true resolution is gained from any of the proceedings. We are just led through the movie, with the main character slightly better off than when he started. While that works for me in some (more serious) pieces, I really wanted either one extreme or the other for the characters in a comedy. Either he fails his plan so completely that he ends up on the street, or he succeeds and has revenge against the people that mocked his status before hand. I guess an argument can be made that the moral of this story was, "money doesn't matter, as much as the people closest to you (or as much as your pride)," but really that moral is flimsy at best in this film. This movie wasn't hard to follow in the traditional sense (like if you aren't paying attention you are going to miss important development), it was hard to follow at times because it was so clumsily put together. So many pieces to the movie here, that when you are reaching the resolution you find yourself asking "why do I care if this guy is getting his balls shocked?" Truly, this movie is a strong example for why a star-studded comedy rarely works.
The director in charge of this garbage is someone that I have a history of mixed feelings about. David Koepp has given me only two movies that I can stand, Secret Window and Stir of Echoes; not a lot of critics would agree with me on Secret Window, but that is neither here nor there. This movie follows the production quality of crappy comedies like The Master of Disguise or any of the crappy, comedy sequels like Son of the Mask or Dumb and Dumber: When Harry met Lloyd. If you don't know the kind quality I am talking about, let me further explain. It feels like this movie was just set up to garner money. Everything feels lazy about it. The camera work, the transition scenes, the setting, etc. It all just feels like an intentional grab for money based on the cast, or the premise. Nothing truly unique. Nothing truly inspiring. Just bland, dismal, garbage that feels out of place in today's cinematic world. I don't think I should have expected much more though, this director's last movie was about bicycle messengers, which only served the purpose of gathering money off of Joseph-Gordon Levitt's heightened popularity.
I think the part that most deeply disturbs me about this movie is that we are trying to believe that our lead actor who was born in Kentucky, and his movie wife born in Los Angeles, are supposed to be British aristocrats. Not for nothing, there are a few actors that could do this (and Johnny Depp and Gwyneth Paltrow USED TO be among them); but, they had more deserving actors as costars. Maybe it was just so they could get away with the whole "British stereotype" bit, a little more easily; but, that joke was old after I saw the previews for this. So we see mister Depp that (thankfully) isn't doing is same old "weird guy" shtick audiences have come to know him for; but, he also isn't trying to capture the audiences attention at all. It is like The Pirates of the Caribbean series took a great actor, and made it so he could only try in a role where his character is a bit off-key. Gwyneth was here for eye candy, and doesn't even attempt to make her character anything more than what is on the script. I know that is a bit of a harsh criticism, but she used to be able to expound a character for the audience based on more than what is written for her. That used to mark her as great actor, but now she doesn't seem to be trying in her creative form anymore. Paul Bettany is the stand out actor for this movie, and while that would have come as a surprise ten years ago, if he had acted with the same cast, now it is just par for the course. He has never really faltered as an actor in my experience with him, and this is no exception. There was a time that my fan boy love for McGrgor would have taken me over, but even he seemed to not have the time to waste on this picture. Jeff Goldblum, and Olivia Munn were present for a bit, and not much else. If this is a world where I cannot be absolutely mesmerized by Jeff Goldblum randomly appearing in something, I don't want to live in it.Final Verdict: Don't do it. Mortdecai is not only a film that I regret seeing, it is a film that I wish never saw the light of day. This movie had nothing to offer me, and I would be surprised if it had something to offer anyone. Just forget you saw that this movie made it to theaters, if you can.
